My Story
Up until four years ago my life was fully designed around distraction from pain. From puberty on, I drank daily, on the weekends heavily when out clubbing. My Sunday to Thursday were a blur of nutrient dense foods, screens, inner conflict and hard work as a chef.
I couldn’t feel safe unless I was in a romantic partnership. I was terrified of losing my partner. Sharing my feelings and needs, felt like hurting them, felt like the risk of losing them. I was truly practiced at pleasing the ones around me, at the expense of hiding parts of me in the depth of my being. When I physically crouched from the internal pain of disconnection, when my insides screamed for love, so loud, I couldn’t overhear, I ran. Into the next partnership.
And then, after thirteen years of those patterns, someone ran away from me. And I broke down in pain. Lying on the ground, I knew, this has got to stop. Right there I decided, to create myself a new life.
Since then, I studied process design, focussing on healing and art. Step by step I have become more aware of how I think, speak, and feel. I read books, I talked and listened to friends. I created myself a practice of compassionate and celebratory self-talk. I reconnected to my sober creativity and playfulness. This process was a bumpy ride, to say the least. And also, I never lost sight, of wanting to feel whole again more sustainably and of wanting to cultivate happiness from within.
And I then, I found out, how my striving for independence can make me feel lonely, detached and that parts of me believe, that asking for help and sharing how I truly feel, is terrifying.
I started embracing the idea, that I can trust with my whole body. That, yes, I can hold myself. And that others feel held when I allow them to hold me. That wholeness happens in connection with me and with what’s around me.
Today I know, that I will have more and less awareness of myself and of this truth, of this trust. And I know from experience I can cultivate it, and I can support others in cultivating it.
To remind you and me and because it’s the most fulfilling work I know of, is why I chose to make this a substantial part of my life.